Day One: Free Flow

Prompt: To get started, let’s loosen up. Let’s unlock the mind. Today, take twenty minutes to free write. And don’t think about what you’ll write. Just write.

Twist: And for your first twist? Publish this stream-of-consciousness post on your blog.

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The first thought in this process of writing out a stream of consciousness is that,“This is foolish”. For all I know, I’m going to end up publishing a rant-made-in-20-minutes-or-less. To put thoughts in order to be coherent for a post on my blog I’d probably need some help. I’ve so many thoughts running around, I’d gladly get hold of a Pensieve from Dumbledore.

One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one’s mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one’s leisure.

— Albus Dumbledore

If I was to look into the more prominent thoughts, they’d probably be sourced from Harry Potter, stuff from college, in general, what I do in life, and probably why I do that. These aren’t new thoughts that have come up thanks to an open prompt, but thoughts that I’ve always had about who I am and what I do. In a way, I am quite socially awkward and often feel inferior when I think of stuff like social circles.

I also feel inferior when I accomplish stuff – but that’d be an inferiority complex and a discussion for another time. It only flares up when I’m looking back at my work. If I’m in the zone and writing, for example, I feel great. So where does that put me: at a point where I feel like I’m only worth it when I’m working on something. Or when someone needs something from me. That cuts two ways though:

1. They either pay attention only when they need me.
2. I get to work on stuff when they need me.

Either way, I have a hard time saying no to people I know who need my help. In a way, I think that’s probably because I want to feel valid. Or maybe it’s because I want to do the right thing. Helping out people when they ask for it — not because it’s difficult to say no, but because it’s better to help out more people, if that makes sense.

I guess that’s like being a non-smoker not because it’s bad for one’s health, but rather out of other moral reasons — where it feels like the right decision.

That came out sounding really pretentious. If I was to phrase it in a different, hopefully, better way, such a perspective means that I’m looking at the action as the action itself, without looking at consequences or prerequisites — a lot like, living in the present.

So, what do you think?